Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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