I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
