I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
