By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
