I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
should my penis look like a turkey
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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