if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
