i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
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Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
