Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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