man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
