If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
