Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
