apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
