got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
