did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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