the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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