i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
