How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
