omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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