I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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