i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize