Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
