my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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