Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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