then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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