A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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