i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
