We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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