Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize