I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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