i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
