She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
