I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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