i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
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