I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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