He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
