I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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