My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
