She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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