what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
bring money and cleavage
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
