I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i dont even know how to be here
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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