I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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