i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
