proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
