Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
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