Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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