My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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