My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
