I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It was confusing and full of hummus
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize