a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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