I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
