tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
