Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
