Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
